Let me begin by saying that this isn’t my typical piece and likely not one meant for anyone to read, but since I don’t use this blog much and hopefully those that follow are too busy to read it (don’t worry I wouldn’t be offended). It’s just that with the events of the past week, as a writer, I need to release a bit. Feel free to find something more interesting to do or read…
This week has likely been one of the worst in my life (even worse than the week I was diagnosed with cancer, if you can believe that). I’ve been threatened and scolded for actions I was innocent of and I lost my best friend to cancer. The first two seemed so important, until I awoke yesterday to the news that the one person I’ve ever completely let into my life and trusted was gone. As much as I should have seen it coming, I was determined that she’d win this battle. I refused to believe anything other than remission was possible… I know it was stupid and naïve, but sometimes I can be that way.
As a whole I’m the kind of person, comfortable with keeping everyone at arm’s length. Loving in my own way, but never giving up control of my life and my heart, this is even true with family. I learned a very long time ago that being a private person is safe and the best way to live my life. Even though I write daily, there is little I give away about my personal life and deepest feelings. Trust me; I’m much more likable reaching out, helping people, and being the ditzy goofball everyone knows.
But I digress… This incredible woman got to me. She became my closest friend, a second mother and true confidant. Knowing me, really KNOWING me and liking me anyhow. There was no way I could have survived the emotional side of cancer and likely cancer itself without her. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed with many, many friends, but and I will NEVER let anyone get that close again. Feeling this is by no means worth it and I certainly don’t want anyone else to ever feel it for me.
She is why I’m on my career path and why I want to help as many people as I can possibly help in this lifetime, but it will be at a safe distance. Some of us do better as solitary individuals, loving from a distance. When you live like that it doesn’t matter if people love you back, you don’t need it to be happy. Because of her, I’m going to change the world… One way or the other.
Again, this was more or less written to vent to myself and hope I didn’t offend anyone… Life goes on and I promised her that I’d get this particular book written, but never got the chance to tell her that she’s going to be the inspiration for not one, but three and all three will be dedicated to the most amazing individual I have ever been honored to know.
Lana, know that you will always be loved and missed by so many. There will never be a day that goes by that I won’t think of you and remember how much you brightened this world.
“When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves.” ~Eda LeShan
